Setting Healthy Boundaries Around Food and Eating
Client focus: Setting healthy boundaries around food and eating
Sometimes themes emerge in my personal and professional life. Recently, it seems like the topic of setting healthy boundaries has come up a lot.
Setting boundaries is about being true to your own needs and values, and giving yourself permission to be your own advocate. We tend to struggle with boundaries because setting a boundary often means making someone else unhappy or uncomfortable.
In the realm of health and weight loss, interpersonal relationships are often overlooked as a potential source of the reason we struggle to meet goals. We’ve all experienced that friend, co-worker, or family member who is a “food pusher”. They usually mean no harm, and probably don’t even know they’re doing it.
All the same, not setting clear boundaries in this situation can have a direct impact on your health and weight, as was discovered by a client I am coaching.
Setting healthy boundaries around food and eating may solve a weighty problem
Client: I realized something the other day…I’ve gained all this weight in three years. Want to know what happened three years ago?
Me: Well, yeah! Definitely!
Client: I met and began dating my boyfriend. He likes to eat out a lot. It’s something his family has always done. So that’s what we do now. I used to only eat out on special occasions. For the past few years, we’ve been eating out 3 to 4 times a week!
Me: Bingo. That will do it every time. What happened next? Did you take any sort of action after realizing this?
Client: Yes! I pushed back on him. He wanted to eat out on Saturday night, and I told him I didn’t really want to. So we went to the store and bought all of the things we needed to cook a dinner, and we cooked together. We ended up doing the same thing on Sunday when he wanted to eat out for breakfast! And you know what’s crazy? Even he said it was really fun to spend time cooking together!
Me: This is great! You just set a boundary! Saying no to him means saying yes to you. Your current weight makes you uncomfortable. You identified a key reason for the weight gain. And you set a boundary! Here is what I would encourage you to do now:
Get out of the mindset of “pushing back” on your boyfriend. You don’t want to create a separation. It’s not you against him. You want to create connection, not separation. And here’s how you’ll do that:
Sit him down and explain to him your discomfort with your body and current health. Without blaming him, let him know that eating out frequently has probably been a key cause of the weight gain and your current discomfort.
Be very clear that you love to eat out with him and that you can still do that together. But for you to be happy and healthy, and achieve a goal that’s important to you, it needs to be less often.
Then very clearly state what you want: “I would feel better if we only ate out once a week. Can I get your support on this?”
Finally, tell him how much his support means to you and remind him how much you enjoyed cooking with him! Cooking together is a great way to build a stronger bond between the two of you! Cheers to that!
My personal story with setting healthy boundaries
When I work with someone who needs to set boundaries with a life partner, I often share my own personal anecdotes and stories. I want the client to understand that I know how they feel, and I know how hard it can be to potentially hurt someone’s feelings.
My own personal favorite boundary story involves my husband and me when we were still dating many years ago. My husband loved (and still loves) to feed me. Early on in our relationship we ate out a lot. He would also routinely bring home a dozen donuts (my absolute favorite). Sometimes twice a week.
He would tell me he loved the excited look on my face when he brings me my favorite foods! God love him. Problem was, at that time I could never seem to eat just one donut. I was more likely to eat two or three in a sitting. So some weeks I was eating nearly two dozen donuts from Saturday to Saturday. Yikes! I definitely gained some weight during the early part of our relationship!
I finally had to tell him that he needed to stop. It kind of hurt his feelings, but I was firm that I'd soon be 600 pounds if he kept it up. His initial response was that he didn’t care if I weighed 600 lbs…he’d love me anyway. Again, God love him! But that wasn’t the point. In this situation it really didn’t matter what he thought. It mattered what I thought. And I was becoming uncomfortable with my body. I’m also genetically predisposed to Type 2 diabetes. Eating two dozen donuts every week was not going to be a good long term plan for me!
Our compromise was this: If he wanted to surprise me with food, he could bring home a single donut, and no more often than once per week. I told him how much I love and appreciate him, and this is the truth because I had previously dated someone who wanted me to be thinner and wanted to restrict my food intake. I’m eternally grateful for finding a man who loves me for me.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for myself and advocate for my needs in a loving and respectful manner. And because I explained my feelings and needs calmly and clearly, he complied with my request without hesitation because he truly does want me to be happy.
Set healthy boundaries to reach your goals
Have you set healthy boundaries with friends, co-workers, or family members? Or has this post helped you realize that maybe it’s time to set some boundaries that will serve you better? Tell me about it in the comment section below!
Blog Author: Kelly Bailey, IIN certified holistic nutrition coach, and NPTI certified personal trainer
Learn more about the author here.