Kids and Food: Tips on avoiding a food fight and fostering self-trust

I recently came across the following question about childrens’ eating habits in an online mommy forum:

“How much time do you give your toddler to finish dinner? What do you do when they don't finish their food? My daughter is 27 months, sometimes she eats well, but sometimes it takes forever for her to finish. She knows how to feed herself, so we don’t want to begin feeding her. Any suggestions?”
(Thank you to the mom who posted the question and gave me permission to use it for this post!)

I adore answering such a wonderful question because it lends insight into both child and adult eating behaviors.

Kids, food, and control

Here was my short answer to the question in the mommy forum: “A child's hunger levels vary from day to day. My advice would be to, whenever possible, let her decide when, how much, and how slow or how fast she eats. I understand how frustrating this can be. My own daughter eats at a snail’s pace. But I work with so many adults that have "eating issues" stemming from childhood. You are better off not creating a fight over food.”

Dysfunctional eating behaviors often start in childhood when a well-meaning parent tries to force a child to eat, or restricts the child’s food options. You cannot physically force a child to eat. And a restricted child quickly figures out how to get food without the parent knowing.

Children have little control over their environment, but they are smart. A child quickly learns that the choice to eat is within their control, creating a battleground between parent and child at meal times.

Kids are naturals with food!

I mainly work with adults. Many of them exhibit dysfunctional eating patterns such as binges, periods of extreme self-induced restriction, feelings of guilt about food and eating, and a deep mistrust of their body. Many of these beliefs, habits, and patterns start in early childhood. I use the principles of mindful and intuitive eating to help them re-connect with the body’s wisdom about food.

But here’s the thing: if these adults had simply been left to their own devices as children, they wouldn’t need to re-learn what comes naturally to a human in the first place! We are born knowing how to eat! Children under the age of 3 are the ultimate examples of intuitive eating:

They eat only when they are physically hungry
They stop eating when they are comfortably full
They feel no guilt or remorse for what or how much they ate
They eat again when they are hungry (even if it’s 20 minutes later)

I love this simple piece of advice from Ellyn Satter, an internationally-recognized authority on human feeding behavior: “It is the child’s job to decide how much and whether or not to eat. It is the parent’s job to provide the food. It’s really that simple.”

Build self-esteem by helping your kids trust themselves with food

We are all born with the innate knowledge of how to feed ourselves. Unfortunately, around the age of 3, we are exposed to cultural and societal norms about when, what, and how much is “appropriate” to eat. This critical time sets the stage for how a child will behave with food as an adult.

The best thing you can do for your kids when it comes to food? Encourage them to trust themselves.

The following tips can help them (and you) foster a positive relationship with food and body:

Children have tiny stomachs. We adults often dish out way too much food for them (and ourselves). It can be overwhelming for a child to believe they need to eat it all to please mommy and daddy. Try putting smaller amounts on the plate. Teach them that they can always have more if they are still hungry.

Let them serve themselves. When my daughter began feeding herself and dishing her own food from serving bowls, I noticed right away that she naturally took far less than what I would have dished up for her. As soon as a child can serve themselves, allow him to do so!

You can always have more. Have you ever sat down to a meal and worried that there “isn’t going to be enough”? Or maybe you fear getting too hungry. For most of us in the developed world, these are irrational fears. Food is everywhere! This type of “food insecurity” is caused by not being allowed to have more. It creates a fear that often results in overeating and/or hoarding food. “You can always have more” is my mantra. Teach your child that food is abundant. She can always go back for more. So there is no need to overeat in the present moment.

Allow them to decide when they are hungry. Whoever said lunch has to happen at noon? This one is tough because society does not lend itself to natural patterns of human eating, which aren’t really patterns at all. When a person eats based on true physical hunger, the times and amounts they eat will vary every day. Today you might feel hungry at 6 AM. Tomorrow you might not want to eat breakfast until 10 AM. Today your toddler might pick at his food. Tomorrow it may seem like he’s eating everything in sight. If you pay attention to how most toddlers eat, they tend toward grazing. In a perfect world, it would be best to simply give them access to food and let them decide when to eat. However, it’s not a perfect world and there’s no way around how our culture treats food: we eat on schedules. To some extent you will need to orient your child’s feeding times to fall into a regular pattern. Simply offer food but do not force him to eat if he is not hungry.

Tell them it’s okay to stop eating. As an adult, how many times have you wished you could stop eating, but can’t seem to do so? Eating past comfortable fullness is a learned habit. It’s time to leave the clean plate club in the past. Help your child trust her body by encouraging her to stop eating when she feels full, no matter how much food is left on the plate. Overeating in an effort to avoid wasting food dishonors the body, and still causes food waste in the form of excess weight.

Don’t force them to eat if they aren’t hungry. It is your job to provide the food. It is your child’s job to decide whether or not they want to eat it. Frustrating? Yes. Especially when you’ve spent time preparing a delicious meal. But attempting to force a child to eat sets the stage for a battle and sends the wrong message: it teaches him that his body signals don’t matter and should be ignored. Over time, the suppression of hunger/fullness cues causes confusion and an internal struggle about when and how much to eat.

Never -- ever ever ever -- restrict a child’s access to food. The mom asking the question above was clearly not trying to restrict food. But I need to put this here because it’s so incredibly important. Never restrict a child’s access to food. I’m going to be cavalier on this point: I don’t care if your child’s doctor has told you she needs to lose weight and should be restricted…don’t do it! The proof is in the proverbial pudding: children denied access to food (or who even perceive they are being denied food) are far more likely to end up with an eating disorder. DON’T EVER RESTRICT FOOD. We clear?

Make them feel in control by giving them choices. The best way to deal with a tiny control freak is to make them feel like they are in control! One of the best ideas I’ve ever seen: toddler tasting trays. Megan Harr, former English-teacher-turned-mommy-blogger, wrote an excellent article about toddler tasting trays. She even provides a downloadable tasting tray food chart that she uses to get her picky toddler to eat! The concept is so simple, yet so genius! Take a box that has a bunch of small compartments (an ice cube tray is great for this) and put different food choices into each one. Set it in front of him and walk away. He gets to choose what and how much he eats, and you avoid a fight. Win, win!

Photo credit: Megan Harr from TheManyLittleJoys.com

Kids and food: bring back the joy of eating!

Eating is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, but can be anything but when there is tension between parent and child over food. Bring back the joy of eating by fostering self-efficacy in them. And remember that we can learn as much from our children as they do from us. If you struggle with food as an adult, take a few tips from a toddler!

Blog Author: Kelly Bailey, IIN certified holistic nutrition coach, and NPTI certified personal trainer

Learn more about the author here.

Kids and Food: Avoiding a Food Fight and Fostering Self-trust